*****
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Just what the doctor ordered
A few bits of exciting news to share with you.
The first? John and Becky are "officially" a family of three now. Joshua is "home" with his forever Daddy and Mommy. Click here to read the announcement on Becky's blog.
Our friend Bara was engaged this week. In the Syrian culture, this is a big deal and there is a huge party. You don't back out after an engagement so it's a "done deal" for him. Congrats Bara! I am not sure if the wedding is going to be in Syria, but it makes me a bit sad that even though we are only about an hour away from Syria, unrest in that culture prohibits us from attending. (We are not allowed to cross the border while with the military here.)
And lastly, I must share that I am typing this blog from Starbucks on Base. Dan and Angelica have planned a "date day" for JB and I. They took the boys. We have Abigail with us. But we are following their instructions for some time together as a couple. Part of that is some time in Starbucks with a book or laptop. How amazing is this? How amazing are our friends?
I have been battling some post-partum blues (I'll write about this more when I feel emotionally up to it), and I think this is just what the doctor odered.
*****
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Prayers and Submissions
Sorry folks. For the first time that I can remember, I am just not up to blogging. I am dealing with some pretty intense post-partum depression. I feel comfortable writing this on the blog as I don't share this blog with people here in Turkey (only a few know about it.) In addition, I am just not one for keeping secrets. I went and saw a counselor today and will see a physician tomorrow. It's a little tough on this tiny Base with my husband one of only a few doctors to keep a secret anyways. So there it is. I will have to debate the risks of taking medication while breast feeding. This is not where I wanted to be. But it is where I am.
At some point, I'll share much more of this journey, but for now, I just thought I would ask for you to share with me! Let's turn the tables a bit.
I thought it might be nice to hear from some of you during this time. What scriptures have encouraged you in dark times? What have you done to help yourself feel better? Please share your words of love, advice, and encouragement in the comments or email them to me at flakymn@hotmail.com and I'll share them on the blog.
And please commit me to prayer. I could use all I can get.
*****
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
From my Mom
Psalm 91:4: "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection."
*****
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Quiet moments
“Quiet Moments with God”
By Lloyd John Ogilvie
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit . . . Luke 3:16
Spirit of the living God, I confess the banked fires of faith in the hearth of my heart. White ash covers the burned-down embers.
The danger of burnout is very real to me. When I become too busy, there is little time to be refueled by Your love, joy, peace, and patience. I start living on my own resources and forget that You are the source of wisdom, knowledge, discernment, vision and the power to lead others. I never was meant to make it on my own. Forgive me for trying.
Today, my responsibilities are too great to face without the constant replenishment of Your
inspiration. Bellow the flickering embers of my heart until they are white-hot again with the fires of passion for discipleship. May I glow with Your radiance. Be glorified in my life today. I long for the authentic spirituality I see displayed on the pages of the book of Acts: love for Christ, loyalty to fellow disciples, contagious faith, unreserved commitment, and expectation of great things.
Holy Spirit, I need You. I open the hearth of my heart to You. Thank You for setting me ablaze with Your fire.
*****
Thursday, September 8, 2011
To share
I recently received the following email.
We don't know each other and to be honest I have absolutely no idea how I found your blog. But I found it a while ago and have been keeping up with your journey. I don't have any inspirational bible passages or sayings however, I was raised a Lutheran in MN (maybe that is what turned me onto your blog) and after moving out of my parents home I pretty much had turned my back against the church and as hard as it is to say probably towards God to. When I started reading your blog I started feeling the need to start praying again and started really looking my past in God and the relationship I have with him. Needless to say it isn't great on my end but I'm working on it pretty much on a daily basis. Please know that you are in my prayers and I check your blog on a daily basis. I know the journey you're going through has to be tough and that God and your wonderful family are by your side. Thank you for reopening my eyes to something that I had let fall to the wayside so many years ago.I hope you are doing good and that soon the steps you are taking will help you.
I think you are courageous for sharing your battle on the blog. Please keep sharing the battle because I know whether the person is suffering from post partum or any other medical condition you are a shining light to them.
And I thought to myself ... am I to share this journey too? And maybe I am. I realized that I am far from the first or last or only person to face depression or post-partum depression. I didn't want people to feel alone in infertility. I don't want them to feel alone in adoption. And I still don't want them to feel alone. So maybe I share this too?
I'm not sure when/how much/if I will, but I have been amazed at how many people "come out of the woodwork" when you discuss something like this publicly. So many of you out there have faced this or something similar. We really are the same at the heart aren't we?
What an encouragement this email was to me. I often feel that people can't see Christ if all they see are my "issues." But maybe in my issues that's just who they see.
I pray that is the case.
*****
Friday, September 9, 2011
He Giveth More Grace
He Giveth More Grace
by Annie Johnson Flint
He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added affliction He addeth His mercy;
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.
Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
His love has no limit; His grace has no measure.
His pow'r has no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!
*****
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Post-partum
In attempting to open my own door of communication in regards to Post-partum depression, I thought I would start by just outlining how I have been feeling in a more general context. This is hard for me to talk about, but I have been encouraged by many of you and do feel that me sharing will allow other people to be aware of this condition.
One of the things I most struggle with is anyone perceiving how I am feeling to a lack of gratitude for the miracle of my daughter's birth (or my other children.) I know these things are not related but I don't want anyone to even contemplate them being intertwined.
I have learned a lot about post-partum sadness in the weeks since Abigail was born. I did fight some post-partum depression with Elijah but it was much further out (six months) and was much more on the anxiety end of the spectrum. This time, depression has been a much bigger factor and anxiety more of a secondary characteristic.
I have learned that sadness in the immediate two weeks after baby is born is referred to as "Baby blues." This does not last long and passes as soon as it comes in. I had all of the symptoms (taken from Mayo Clinic's website) below:
- Mood swings
- Anxiety
- Sadness
- Irritability
- Crying
- Decreased concentration
- Trouble sleeping
As I left Germany, I felt the baby blues departing, and I thought I was on the mend. However, while I did feel initially better, since the blues had passed, I felt myself slowly going down again as I settled into life here in Turkey. With the baby blues, my primary issue was just crying. But with the post-partum, the symptoms were greater and weren't going away. Some of the symptoms are listed below.
- Loss of appetite
- Insomnia
- Intense irritability and anger
- Overwhelming fatigue
- Lack of joy in life
- Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
- Severe mood swing
- Difficulty bonding with the baby
- Withdrawal from family and friends
- Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby
You don't have to see a doctor for the baby blues. However, in my case, it became obvious that I had left one thing (blues) and entered another (depression). If these symptoms are occurring, you need to see your doctor. (The ones in bold effected me.)
- Don't fade after two weeks
- Are getting worse
- Make it hard for you to care for your baby
- Make it hard to complete everyday tasks
- Include thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Personally, I was/am most dealing with:
- The inability to make decisions
- Worry that something would happen to my children
- Sadness that my children were growing up too fast
- Feeling overwhelmed by meaningless tasks
- Lack of pleasure in things that normally brought me joy
- Easily frustrated or irritated
- Guilt about time for each child
- Worry that people would misunderstand my feelings
- Feeling like life isn't worth living
- Feeling that life was too sad to bother with
- Discomfort with social situations
I plan to write more in the future but wanted to start with this overview. I am feeling better already after starting medication and am hopeful that this trend will continue.
*****
Monday, September 12, 2011
Where I am
I want to try to describe how I am feeling right now so that sometime, in the future, someone can re-read these posts and recognize themselves in me. But it is so hard to write right now. And even harder to write about how I am feeling.
But let me try.
One of the most difficult things for me right now is social situations. I am usually okay in my immediate social circle, but even then, it feels like it is taking everything out of me to have a conversation. For those of you who know me in real life, you know that talking is not usually an issue for me. I talk quite well and quite a lot.
Get me outside of my immediate circle, and I nearly freeze, and this makes leaving my house difficult on a Base this small. We made the decision not to attend the big base "Gala" this coming weekend because it would require me to talk to so many people that I don't know very well. If I lived somewhere more anonymous, I could go out and run ten errands and not have to give more than a polite nod or smile to anyone. But here, on this Base, everywhere you go you see people you know. All the time. You know the people who work at the grocery store. And you know the people who are shopping with you. Small talk is nearly inevitable. And small talk is so hard for me right now.
I am not completely avoiding social situations. I need to get my boys out to play and so I will go and do things. But they are difficult, and I usually return exhausted. My dearest friends here all know how I am feeling. They are an amazing support. They are nudging me to get out but understanding when I cannot. They are forgiving and understanding and compassionate and patient. They are vital to me getting better.
I go through periods where I am crying a lot for no reason at all. Sometimes I will go a whole day without crying and sometimes I cry most of the day. It just depends. Fatigue seems to make the feelings of crying worse.
I feel anxious but not for any reason I can put my finger on. I feel easily frustrated. I feel like I am moving in slow motion. I don't feel that laughter comes easily, even when something seems worthy of laughter.
We have chosen to combat this on a variety of fronts. Prayer and scripture is a big one although I could definitely be doing a better job on that front. I have started counseling with a wonderful gal on Base. I have also started medication. We decided that since breast feeding was already not going well, we wouldn't take the risks associated with medication while breast feeding, and I have stopped breastfeeding. This was difficult for me emotionally, but together John and I decided that this was the best way for us to do things. I wanted to breastfeed longer, but I am happy that I was able to do so for two months. I felt like I was doing Abigail a disservice to stop breastfeeding, but her not having the best of me is also a disservice to her. JB and the boys also suffer from not having me at my best.
I do not think the boys are acutely aware that I am struggling. I do not cry in front of them and continue to go through the mom-motions: reading books, caring for them, playing with them, hugging them, etc. But the actions feel forced and not genuine. I describe it as being a robot. I am doing all the things I normally do, but my heart is not in it, fully. And I want to feel my heart in these things. I want to do them and enjoy doing them.
Abigail has been smiling at me and it is warming my heart. But not as much as I know it should because I am so sad. I am hopeful that through counseling, medication, and prayer, I will be myself in no time. It can take a few weeks to start feeling better, and I am trusting that this will happen soon.
I do not anyone to misunderstand my sadness for being ungrateful. I love my children beyond words. They (and JB) are why I know I need to get better as soon as possible. I am so unbelievably thankful to be their mom. I am so unbelievably blessed that they were given to me. I do not feel any negative feelings toward them. I just feel fatigue and sadness and that effects my ability TO care for them. I hope that makes sense.
I am not keeping this a secret although it is not information I am offering readily. Like I said, only a few people on Base read my blog and those individuals are ones that I trust with this information. I share it in person if I feel it is important. But to those of you who follow me online, I feel the Lord nudging me to share the details of how I am feeling. I want future moms struggling with post-partum depression or just people struggling with depression in general, not to feel alone or different.
*****
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
He does not change
THANK YOU to those of you who have sent me scriptures, emails, encouragement, love, and prayers. I have read them, I have heard them, I have felt them. All of them.
I HAVE BEEN a bit paralyzed by this cloud I have been in. It surprised me. And I have not know exactly how to get out of it. I have been stuck in the same place now for a few weeks. I feel like I am trying to walk through cement. How do I keep walking?
TODAY has been a very hard day emotionally. There is no reason why and that is what feels the most bothersome about the difficulties. But after a nap, I found my house clean (thank you Hatice) and all three kiddos and the dog asleep. And I had some time to meditate on those scriptures. I had some time to print them out. I had some time to pray.
AND I have decided to make a change. Yes I am seeking help through counseling and medication to combat this depression I have found myself in. But I am not going to wait for those things to "work their magic." I am going to pray and ask the Lord to work His.
MY MOM sent me the following:
"Gracious God, my Father, give me the diligence to seek You, the patience to wait for You, the understanding to know You, and the willingness to do Your will. Forgiving God, from whom to turn is to fall, to whom to return is to rise again, in whom to trust is to abide secure; grant me strength in my duties, guidance in my perplexities, protection in any anger, and peace in turmoil. You created me in Your own image with a mind to understand You, a heart to love You, and a desire to serve You. Increase in me today my comprehension of Your goodness and grace, my response to Your presence, my gratitude for Your caring, that I may grow in the likeness of Jesus Christ my Lord. Guide the thoughts of my mind, the words I speak, the work I do, the attitudes I hold, the countenance I communicate, and the impression I have on others. In good times may I give You the glory and in troubled times may I trust You more." Lloyd John Ogilvie
I SERVE a mighty God. He healed me from infertility. He has given me a beautiful family. And I know He is bigger than some sadness that my hormonal self has found herself in. I am going to pray my way out of this pit.
WILL YOU PRAY WITH ME?
*****
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Sunlight
Lamentations 3:22-23 – Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
Thank you Stebbs for letting me "borrow" your verse of the day.
Yesterday morning was a low point for me. But since my quiet time yesterday afternoon, the Lord's peace has been surrounding me. I have not cried since yesterday afternoon. Anytime waves of sadness or panic have threatened me, I have pulled out my scriptures, put on my praise music, and meditated on the Lord. Taking the lead from my friend Rachel, I have been working to teach the boys, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ..." reminding myself as they practice.
I look forward to watching the Lord lead me through this valley as he has brought me through so many before. I know there will be highs and lows, but I hold tight that He will be with me at all times.
*****
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Thank you
To the friend who journaled a prayer for me during her quiet time and shared them with me, reminding me that despite living across the world from many of my loved ones, I am far from alone ... thank you.
"Jesus I lift up Wendi to you I pray you would reach your loving hand to her and touch her in the ways she has never experienced before. I pray she would feel your love and affection towards her to her core of her whole being. Lord you have overcome death and darkness with your cross. I pray that you would take her out of this emotional darkness she has been in give her back your joy! I pray she will delight life with the kids again I pray that you will restore the joy she had. Also I pray that she will experience a new joy in you that she has never experienced. Not only will help her to heal from this emotions but also she will overflow with joy, Amen!"
To the commenter who posted a link to this music video in the comments on my blog reminding me that God is faithful always and that His love will not fail me ... thank you.
Your Love Never Fails Lyrics (Jesus Culture)
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good
I realized that He is using this, not only for MY good but for the good of others in my life. I felt the Lord ask me, "If I can use this struggle in your life to bring one other person to Christ, would you go through it?" My answer? A resounding YES! S to the person who sent me the following email, sharing how my blog has helped her and reminding me that my pain has meaning ... thank you.
During these trials, I'm struggling with feelings of depression and self pity, yet I feel so guilty and weak because I know I have so much to be grateful for. Like you, I have an amazing supportive husband, after years of struggling to have a family, I have three incredible kids ... I have a beautiful home, great career, and financial security ... yet I'm emotionally struggling.
These feelings have, at times, made me feel silly and selfish and just generally lost. But I must say that reading your blog recently has helped me refocus and center myself, and more importantly, my hopes, back on Christ. I feel a renewed sense of direction, and today, instead of waking up and feeling immediate dread about just putting my feet on the ground, I rolled out of bed and started my day on my knees ... in prayer. I prayed for courage and strength to simply get through the crazy morning routine of making breakfast, packing lunches, and getting the kids out the door. I prayed that I would be able to put a smile on my face and joy in my voice while dealing with the kids for the next 90 minutes. And if I could get through those 90 minutes with a grateful spirit, maybe just maybe, the day would seem a little less daunting, less exhausting, less disappointing ... and you know what? While it wasn't perfect, it was better. And right now, that's all I need, to know that it can be better. So I thank you. Thank you for being transparent, honest, vulnerable, and public about your struggles. It probably helps a lot more people than you even realize.
To my mom who sent me a devotional prayer that spoke to exactly where my soul was at that moment ... thank you.
Almighty Lord, the same yesterday, today, and forever, You have been my help in ages past and are my hope for years to come. The sure sign of an authentic relationship with you is that I believe in the future more than the past, and that my previous experiences of Your grace are only a prelude to Your plans for me.
Give me a fresh burst of enthusiasm for the next stage of the unfolding drama of my life and the work you have given me to do. You have called me to serve You. Your power is released for service. Help me focus on my high calling to communicate Your love to the people with whom I come in contact with today. May I put You first, others second, and myself last. May all that I do and am today be so obviously an expression of Your truth, righteousness, and justice that I can press on with the confidence of Your blessing.
I relinquish my worries to you and my anxiety drains away. I take courage because you have taken hold of me. Now I know that courage is fear that has said its prayers. I spread out before You the challenges of the day ahead and see them in the proper perspective of Your power. I dedicate myself to doing things Your way under Your sway. And now, Your joy, that is so much more than happiness fills me. I press on to the work of the day with enthusiasm. It’s great to be alive! Amen.
To an old friend who I haven't seen in years who took the time to remind me that I was loved by and share her favorites scriptures .. . thank you.
Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
Psalm 138:7-8 "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands."
Psalm 16:8 "I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."
Isaiah 43:1-3 "But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Psalm 46:1-3 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling."
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
2 Corinthians 4:7-8 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;"
And to the one who shared a verse that ministered to her this past week, not knowing that it is one of my favorite verses and taking the time to remind me that sometimes we praise even in the storm ... thank you.
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior."
"The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights."
... take our why's and turn them into "thoughs" -- as we ask God, "why" about this situation or another, we can turn that around and tell Him that "though" this or that thing may never change, yet will we rejoice in Him. I think it's hard when the mind and heart just aren't connected on that level -- we can think clearly at times and make a list of all of the things we have to be thankful for and everything amazing that God has done for us, yet we can still feel so depressed and overwhelmed, discouraged and hopeless. But that just encouraged me last week, to think that I might say to God, "though life is never easy again" or "though I feel lost and purposeless despite all of the good things you have provided for me", yet will I seek to rejoice in you. Sort of that surrender, acknowledging that I would be happier if things were the way I wanted them to be but that I will try to trust God joyfully even if they are not that way now and may never be that way again.
I hope what they shared with me ministers to all of you as we all heal. I am healing. And I am trusting the Lord to continue this healing. Praise the Lord.
*****
Saturday, September 17, 2011
In words
I want to try to put into words what post-partum depression feels like. While it obviously is different from person to person, I want someone reading this days, weeks, months, years from now, to be able to find themselves in the words. I can only describe this as to how it effects me. Another person may feel differently, but this is how I feel. I imagine that "regular ol' depression" is the same as post-partum although I do not know that first-hand.
I feel very fatigued. Obviously this is hard to differentiate between depression and just having a newborn and three little kids.
I, personally, do not feel negative feelings toward my children whatsoever. But I do feel that I have difficulty fully engaging with them. For example, they say something to me, and I phase out and don't reply or hear them completely. If Abigail cries, I feel like I am slow in reacting to the cry. I have heard that some people do feel negatively but that is not the case for me. However, I do know that when I am feeling better, my feelings toward my children will be even stronger that they are now.
I actually feel intense love toward my children during this time. The love is so strong that it really seems to morph into guilt quite often. If I am holding one child, I can barely handle the overwhelming guilt of not spending time with the other child. I know in my head it is not possible to be everything to everyone, but I have trouble figuring out how to accept that.
I wrote previously about the social impact of how I am feeling. I do not feel like talking, even in my own house. Although I have found that it is easier if I am around people I feel closer to or whom I readily have conversations with. Not only do I not feel like talking but attempting to talk completely exhausts me.
I have an overall weight on my shoulders. I just feel heaviness with the world -- both at large and in my own small circle.
I feel overwhelmed. Clutter, dishes, clothes feel too much for me. I have read that people struggling with depression have to simplify their lives, and I can understand the need to do that. What I normally can handle with relative ease feels too much for me.
Small changes throw me for a loop and threaten to overwhelm me. If I am planning on one thing and those plans change, I have trouble adjusting.
Making decisions is difficult for me. Many times during the day I just turn to Veronica and say, "You decide what we should do." She has done a great job doing that easily.
For me the crying comes in waves. I'll have an entire morning that I can't stop crying and then I don't cry for days.
I do not feel "engaged" in activities taking place. I feel like I am watching them from the outside. The intensity of this feeling comes and goes.
I feel the inability to celebrate or participate in a happy moment. Laughing is not coming easily.
Fatigue seems to make the depression worse. A good nap will often take the edge off.
Again, I am feeling the edge slightly coming off of this, and I am feeling the cloud lifting slowly but surely. I have no doubt that I will be back to myself at some point in the future. I just have to trust the Lord to continue to lead me out of this.
*****
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A special mom
I received an email from a very special woman in my life. She is a wonderful mom. I have known her for a very long time. And in that email she admitted, for one of the first times ever, that she struggled with PPD after the birth of one of her children. I never knew this. In fact, no one did. How wonderful to hear that even the "great" moms have dealt with this. It was also SO encouraging to hear her write down exactly how I was feeling without me even telling her.
"No one knew, except my husband, unless people guessed. I think anyone who noticed something wrong just thought I was tired. And I was but there was a lot more to it. The 'me' inside was vacant ... I lived in a fog. I would drop the older kids off at school and come home and stay home."
I loved how she phrased that. That the 'me' inside was vacant. That describes how I was feeling nearly perfectly. I say feeling because that real vacant feeling has passed. I am still recovering but the very deep and vacant place is no longer there -- of which I am so thankful.
"I did what I had to do to take care of the family but spent a lot of time crying, sad and just sitting and staring at nothing. The kids are what kept me going. I loved them to death and wanted them to be okay. If I needed to be away from everyone because I didn't want them to see me cry or I was going to 'lose it', I would take the baby in my room with the excuse of having to nurse her and just stay in there!"
This paragraph was also very similar to how I was feeling. In the midst of, my children were what kept me going. I craved them and loved them so incredibly much during this time that not taking care of them was beyond me. It was only when I realized that the way I was feeling was becoming so heavy, that it was starting to effect my ability to care for them, that I knew I had to get help.
"I look back now and think if I had opened up my mouth and told even one person that maybe things would have gotten better a lot faster-but I just couldn't do it, it was too personal."
So many people go through things like this alone! I don't want to ever see that happen again.
"Went to Church, read my devotionals, knew all the verses but it didn't change things. I would fake a smile, say the appropriate things when I had to but most of the time it was like I was living an 'out of body' experience."
Again, the out-of-body is a great way to describe what was happening for me too.
"I remember one night, sneaking out and going next door-and sitting on the floor of the neighbors front porch and hiding. Not sure why, just needed to get out and didn't want to explain or talk. But after a while, a long while, I would get up in the morning and start doing things and all of a sudden realize I was smiling at something that I didn't have to make myself smile at. Then, there would be a day when I would go through a few hours of doing things and realize that I didn't feel so stinkin' tired. Or that I would actually do something outside of the necessities -without making myself do it...Then all of a sudden, it would hit me that I'd gone thru a whole day -a normal day. Then a few days at a time...The fog had lifted."
This describes my healing perfectly. It is all of a sudden smiling. And all of a sudden doing something without having to think through every step of it.
"Now, here you are, doing it all right and you have no idea how many young mother's out there you are helping! I'm not talking about the ones who are writing to tell you, I'm talking about the ones who, like me, just can't bring themselves to talking about their feelings. Whatever their reason, they are embarrassed, ashamed ... I wasn't about to admit I was crying all the time and couldn't remember if I fed the dog! Maybe some feel it's a social stigma, or will reflect poorly on their trust in God, heaven knows. Even pastor's wives suffer from depression too! And not just after having a baby-there a tons of reasons people go through this. Whatever the reason, whatever the path someone takes to get through it, I know the Lord is there carrying us and one day, the heaviness will disappear-may be gradual, may be sudden, but like a fog, it will lift."
Thank you to this very special mom for sharing something so personal. I hope it ministers to other women as much as it ministers to me. I love you!
*****
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
My three
Life in our home seems to be finding a new normal.
Abigail is still sleeping like a champ! Through the night every night without fail. She is going down about an hour after the boys at night and doesn't stir until 6am. She is doing 5-6 feeds a day of formula (about 4-6 ounces per feed.) She is also very adamant about how she feels. If it is time to eat, she cries. And if she doesn't want more to eat and you give her the bottle, she will cry -- hard. She dislikes tummy time greatly. She is smiling at people like crazy. And she is still napping between nearly every feed. I forgot how much babies sleep! She loves to be held and will fall asleep in my arms -- something neither of my boys were big fans of. At night however, she just wants to be put down and gets upset if she is being held. She wants her swaddle and her bed. She is also now a fan of the pacifier.
Isaac & Elijah are not sleeping as good as their little sister. They are going to bed about 7:30pm but stalling like crazy -- especially Isaac. They are also coming into our room 3-5 times a night to go potty! How do you tell a 2 or 3 year old that they don't need to go to the bathroom when they are telling you they do? We are trying to encourage them to wait until the sun comes up but right now they are getting up frequently despite cutting off liquids at dinner time. I think they wake up, wake their brother up, and then decide they need to go to the bathroom even if they only have to go a little bit. It makes for a long night, that's for sure. Outside of the night time issues, they are doing wonderfully. They truly are best buddies. They play together all the time and we love to listen to them imagine together. They got a barn and little people house from cousins Grace and Nate as hand-me-downs, and we crack up because they don't put their people in the houses but their cars. They love their cars, love their bikes, and love each other. The fighting between the two of them is much less than I imagined it being at this age. They love to help me feed Scrubs and empty the silverware from the dishwasher. They are taking off their own shoes and socks and even putting on their shoes a bit too.
Veronica has been taking weekends nearly completely off (for her own sanity) and helping me from early morning until bedtime each work day (with breaks for working out or hanging out). She will be here until March, and it is hard to imagine not having her in our home. She is pure joy. She acts just like one of the family and truly, there is never any awkward times having her here. I think that early on JB and I decided we would not edit our conversations in front of Veronica. We would proceed as we always have. And that has helped tremendously. She is just one of us and is such a huge help to our family. The boys love her like crazy. They don't even blink when I leave them with "Er-onica." And while Veronica hasn't been around little babies much before, she has totally figured out how to handle Abigail and is completely smitten by her. Oh and this week, we finally got Veronica's residency permit (thanks to our friend Rana). So now she is officially a Turkish resident and no longer needs a visa to be here.
Scrubs has seemed to accept the fact that he has dropped even farther down on the todem pole as well. He is unbelievably fantastic with the kids and completely understands how to be gentle at all times. He loves to play Frisbee outside any chance we get, and is always excited when our gardener accidentally leaves the back gate open so that he can go off on a little adventure and be returned by a neighbor at some point in the future. He is definitely protective of his family. Strange men get barked at quite a bit -- especially when they come into the house. But once they visit a few times, they are accepted into the pack easily. He still follows me everywhere I go all day long and willingly lets the boys drag him around by the collar as they get older and are bossing him around too.
John is excited to have a bit of a garden going in the back yard. He enjoys seeing patients but doesn't enjoy all the paperwork that accompanies working for the government. I can't tell you how many people stop me on Base to tell me that John is their doctor and how much they love his attentive and caring spirit. This makes me so proud! His blog, cooking, and spending time with his boys are the other things on the top of his hobby list. John has been incredibly loving and patient during some difficult months for me. And he is the mot amazing father you have ever seen. He loves his kids so much!
Wendi is doing better and better. I definitely don't feel 100% right now but the depression has left nearly entirely. I am still a bit melancholy and a bit overwhelmed by too much social interaction. I am also still dealing with a lot of anxiety. But my counselor is FANTASTIC! I love her so much and am getting so much out of the sessions. I am exercising and coming close to reaching pre-pregnancy weight (7 pounds to go!) I am so blessed by my friends here but other than blogging, my main hobby is still sleeping right now. The depression coupled with three tiny children has left me quite tired. However, each day is better and better, and I look forward to the day that I can completely say I feel like Wendi again.
So there you have it. Our life as a family! Hope you enjoyed a little catch-up on where we are right now.
*****
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Puerto Rico!
Last night, our friends Yamil (aka Mr. Meal) and Patty came over to our house for dinner. The best part was? They cooked it! Since their house is mighty small (and their kitchen even smaller) and their household goods still aren't here (we got our's on August 16th when we got here so their shipment is WAY slow), we decided to have the dinner at our house. It was a Puerto Rican delight! Simply scrumptious. And even better? There are leftovers for tonight. Yay!
As far as socializing is concerned, I continue to steadily improve. I am able to converse with people for short bursts of time. I also find it much easier if it is a small group of people that I feel very comfortable with here on Base. Bigger events or occasions with people I don't know well, leave me emotionally spent afterwards. I have also talked to a few people (friends or family from the USA) on the phone -- something I was not able to do in the midst of the worst part of the depression.
I do not cry much, if at all anymore. I feel more hopeful. I am able to see happiness in events and be a part of them. I am definitely healing. I have been so blessed by so many wonderful friends and family members encouraging me during this difficult time of my life.
In fact, this past week, I had two different people tell me that they could see the healing in my eyes and in my face. They said that I looked less burdened. This was great to hear! Keep the prayers coming.
*****
October 24, 2011
Nearly Me
I must say that truly ... I am almost nearly back to the old me. It is a wonderful feeling to feel like yourself. To not feel like every action is a strain. To not avoid social situations. To not feel fatigued constantly. To enjoy moments. To laugh easily. To not cry constantly.
I credit how I am feeling with three things: prayer and encouragement / medication / counseling. I pray that anyone thinking they may be struggling with depression -- either post-partum or not, get help right away. If you don't want to use medication, you can try other avenues. Don't be afraid to tell people how you are feeling. Don't be afraid to seek help. Don't suffer alone.
I have faced slight bits of depression in my past but nothing as debilitating at those weeks/months following Abigail's birth. Thank you for supporting me and loving me through this. I think I am nearly me.
*****
November 12, 2011
... one step back.
The last two days have been a bit harder. I'm not sure why. I have just feel overwhelmed. I know this is due to a myriad of factors including returning from a trip, Hatice taking the week off, and being so sick for quite a few days.
I think of March. March will send Veronica back to her own world. She helps me more than words on a blog can accurately depict. I only have her eight hours a day which often means many hours by myself with the kiddos and dog. And when I am, lately, I wonder if I am capable. They are all so very needy of me and my time. There are so many of them and so little of me.
Is there enough of me?
So I started reeling a bit. And suddenly I was panicked. Am I relapsing? Is the depression coming back? Thank the Lord for a husband who knows about this stuff. He told me not to fear. That you look at trends with depression. That you look at months or weeks not days or hours. And my trend is soooo much better. That days with depression might reemerge. But my trend is way past that darkest place.
Yes, my anxiety has been heightened for a few days. Yes I've been more tired and crying easier. But yes, the Lord still has me in the palm of His hand.
I am also running a marathon. I am not running a sprint. The laundry will never be done. The house will never not need to be cleaned. Bottoms wiped and spills mopped up and barf cleaned up will happen again and again over the course of this marathon.
And truly, I would never want to stop running. I can't believe I get to run this marathon.
I just feel I need an extra bit of helping running it right now.
*****
Friday, November 26, 2011
Depression Revisited
Today, the day after Thanksgiving, I can honestly say that the depression that swallowed me after Abigail's birth, is nearly gone. I still have moments when I feel like it is returning, but for the most part, each day is, while overwhelming, very happy.
I know that the course of my depression was short in the eyes of some. Many people struggle for much longer. Years even.
I was lucky. Lucky to be married to someone who recognized the symptoms. Who could tell me that this would not last. That we would figure it out. That I would one day feel like myself again. He had seen it enough to know it, and he tried hard to convince me of that.
To those of you battling sadness today, I want to remind you of one thing that JB and my counselor reminded me of every single day: THIS IS TEMPORARY.
For those of you loving someone battling sadness today, I want to remind you of the same thing: THIS IS TEMPORARY.
It will get better. You will not feel this way forever. And you will not watch your loved one feel this way forever.
Each day, force yourself to remember this. Remind yourself of this. Remind your loved one of this. Even if you don't feel it. Know it.
At some point, maybe soon, you will spend a day together and realize that things were like they used to be. Happy moments will occur, and you will realize that the periods of sadness are becoming more and more of a distant memory.
It will start with minutes. And then hours. And then days and weeks ... and finally months and years. Longer and longer periods of time that the darkness lets up and light shines through.
I am thankful today that I know depression is temporary. And I want anyone reading this today to know it too.
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